


Kinda there but not quite

by christinchen



Series: Hurt/Comfort Bingo [2]
Category: Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, Stargate Atlantis RPF
Genre: Adultery, Break Up, Cheating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:28:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26063461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinchen/pseuds/christinchen
Summary: The words hurt when they left his mouth. They left his throat raw, his lungs hurting as he struggled to fill them with air. His hands shook and his eyes burned, but he had said them. Out loud.
Relationships: Joe Flanigan/David Hewlett
Series: Hurt/Comfort Bingo [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1856212
Kudos: 12
Collections: Hurt/Comfort Bingo - Round 11





	Kinda there but not quite

**Author's Note:**

> written as a fill for my [H/C Bingo](https://hc-bingo.dreamwidth.org/) square of "rejection" on my [card](https://christinchen.dreamwidth.org/93377.html)

“I can’t do this anymore.” The words hurt when they left his mouth. They left his throat raw, his lungs hurting as he struggled to fill them with air. His hands shook and his eyes burned, but he had said them. Out loud. He vaguely thought that he should feel a sense of relief at finally having the words out in the open, instead of confined to his head, but all he felt was how much they hurt.

*

The first time the words were said between them was now almost ten years ago. Joe had been trying to figure out how to stop his marriage from falling apart. To stop cheating on his wife seemed like a good first step.

David had nodded carefully when he had said the words. Had taken a deep, measured breath and agreed. They shouldn’t be doing this. They were both married men. With children to think about. He had placed a lingering kiss against Joe’s lips, that had been so soft it had almost hurt more than hearing the words spoken out loud. 

Then David had gotten out of bed, had gotten dressed and had walked out of Joe’s trailer. They had gone back to work, pretending that nothing had happened. Pretending that they were fine. Because they had to be. They weren’t allowed to fall apart, even if their hearts were breaking.

*

Joe rang the doorbell to David’s apartment. He had the words prepared in his head. An Explanation. An apology. A ‘Please give me another chance, I promise I…’

The moment the door opened, the words were lost. 

“What the fuck, Flanigan? It’s 4 a.m.!” 

“I’m getting a divorce.”

The words got lost in breathless kisses and soft curses as they stumbled towards the bedroom. They fell off his tongue as he pressed desperate kisses into hot skin, trying to make up for the last six months apart, as he licked and bit and sucked his way across a body that was achingly familiar and yet new all over.

*

The second time he heard the words said out loud, they came from David.

“I can’t do this anymore. We keep breaking each other’s hearts and we deserve better. We both deserve better.”

There were tears on his face and the choked off sob that followed his words hurt Joe more than the words themselves. He had expected them. He had expected them to come from his own mouth not David’s, sure, but the words had been hanging over them for a while now. 

They weren’t working with each other anymore. Excuses to see each other were few and far between. There were conventions and hotel rooms and too many ‘quick, we gotta hurry’s. There were last minute canceled plans and ‘I can’t. The kids...’s. They were desperately clinging to each other every hidden second they got, always kissing like it was the last chance they had, already broken up while they were still lying in each other’s arms. 

It hurt more that time. It lasted longer. Two years. Two years of not seeing each other for months, and if, then only on convention stages and in passing at meet and greets. Two years without hushed midnight phone calls. Two years in which life moved on. 

And yet it didn’t. 

All it took was one moment of carelessness. One moment where their guards were down. One drink too many at a hotel bar. One touch that lasted just a little bit too long. 

The door to the hotel room had barely time to close behind them before they were sinking into each other. It was just as rushed and desperate as it had always been between them. It shouldn’t have felt like coming home and yet it did. 

Things were different between them that time. There were no longer promises that would not be kept anyway, no ‘I miss you’s that lead to nothing but guilt. They were both too tired for that, too jaded. 

They took every moment they could get together. Joe tried to tamp down the urge to hope for more, tried to enjoy the nights where his phone would ring late, and not think about the nights where it wouldn’t. 

There were days where it hurt more than others that the person he was in love with wasn’t with him, couldn’t, wouldn’t be with him. He tried not to hold it against David. 

He spent his entire birthday waiting for his phone to ring. It didn’t. He spent the entire next week waiting for his phone to ring. It didn’t. It wasn’t until his son told him ‘For the love of God, Dad, just fucking call her! You’re driving us all insane with your moping.’ that he made the phone call. 

He knew the words would catch up with them again. He knew how the call would end before he even made it. He knew that his heart would shatter into a million pieces this time. They wouldn’t get back together this time. They would break up for good this time. No second, third or fourth chances. 

“Joe, I’m so sorry,” was the first thing he heard when David picked up. 

“I know.”

“Everything has just been… I’m…. This is a mess and I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“I can’t do it anymore, Joe, I can’t.”

“I know.” This time his voice cracked, his face was wet with tears. 

“Joe…”

“I understand it, David,” he cut him off. It hurt too much to have to listen to some kind of explanation, all the reasons why they never could be.

“I love you and… I’ll see you soon.” Those words hurt even more, Joe found. 

“I love you too, so very fucking much,” is what Joe managed in response before hanging up. Then he was falling apart, heavy sobs wracking through his body. 

He spent the next few days in a haze of grief and heartache. He could tell his kids were worried, even the dog seemed to stick closer than usual. He would be fine, he told them. Just the second longest relationship of his life ending, how bad could that be, right? With his marriage he had three children and divorce papers to show for, with David he had nothing. No shared house to sell, no custody rights to divvy up, not even clothes or a toothbrush to return. It was as if the past ten years hadn’t happened, hadn’t meant anything. 

He heard the words “... broke up with his girlfriend, I think.” and “How the hell am I supposed to know, I didn’t know he was dating anyone either, Mom.” when his oldest spoke on the phone. And right there was another part of his relationship with David that had never seen the light of the day. It stung unexpectedly. He was fifty-three, he shouldn’t have to lie about his sexual orientation anymore, shouldn’t have to hide it. Least of all not from his family. 

“There wasn’t a girlfriend,” he told his children over dinner. They didn’t look particularly convinced. He took a deep breath and said: “There was a… a boyfriend, a lover.” 

He was met with stunned silence. He had a moment to panic before they asked a million questions at once: “Are you gay?” “Why didn’t you tell us?” “What’s his name?” “Is he going to live here?” “Does he have a dog?”

He answered them all as best as he could. By the time he finally managed to escape to his bedroom to have a good cry, the tears no longer felt like coming. Instead he felt oddly okay, calm. He was no longer hiding. Not who he was, nor who he had been dating.

*

It was still dark out when he was woken by his phone ringing. He picked up without checking the name.

“Come to your front door.”

“David.”

“Yes. Hi. Now come to your front door. I don’t feel like trying to break in and accidentally triggering your fancy alarm system.”

“What the hell?”

“Joe. Door. Now please, it’s 4 a.m. and I’m kinda worried your neighbors will call the police on me.”

When Joe opened his front door David was standing on the other side. He looked exhausted, slightly rumpled and there was a suitcase next to his feet. 

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Joe was sure there was some kind of explanation he was supposed to ask for, something he should say, but when he opened his mouth all that came out was: “It’s 4a.m.”

“What the hell? I know,” David said. He seemed to be trying for an amused chuckle and it would have almost worked, if it hadn’t been for the tears shining in his eyes. “So, I’m getting a divorce.”

Joe just looked at him, not quite understanding. “What?”

“My wife and I are getting a divorce. And I came here to do this romantic thing where you show up at someone’s door in the middle of the night declaring your love and begging for another chance.”

Joe wasn’t sure he was understanding any of the words coming out of David’s mouth correctly.  
“What?” he repeated. 

“Right, ummm… See, I was hoping there would be, I don’t know, kissing and such…” David trailed off, his voice rough and the tears that had been gathering in his eyes finally sliding down his cheek. 

“You broke up with me. You said you couldn’t do it anymore.”

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean us! God, Joe. I meant the lies, the hiding, the cheating on my wife.”

“Oh.”

“I… I love you. I want to be with you. Properly. Because I can’t do this mess we’ve built around ourselves anymore. So, now is the point where you either have to kiss me or send me back to Canada.”

In hindsight, Joe wasn’t sure if he had actually, consciously made a choice. One moment the man he loved was standing in front of him, offering him everything he ever wanted, the next they were stumbling, tripping and falling towards his bed. He vaguely remembered the front door closing with a bang louder than was appropriate for the time of the night, David’s luggage falling over somewhere in the entryway, a muttered ‘just leave it’, and his toe hitting the corner of the sofa, hard. 

They somehow made it to the bed. He wasn’t sure if they ever stopped kissing on the way there. He knew he didn’t once let go of David, not even to easier remove their shirts, shoes and pants. They dropped the clothing on the floor along the way and Joe made a mental note to retrieve it before his kids would wake up and see a trail of clothes leading to his bedroom. He had a feeling that that might be stretching their tolerance of his sex life too far. 

He pushed David onto the mattress of his bed, impatiently pulling the last piece of offending fabric off his body, before covering his naked form with his own. Then he stilled suddenly. 

“We have time.” Joe wasn’t sure if it was a question or a statement, maybe both. But David nodded in agreement and wonder, a wide smile spreading across his face.  
“All the time in the world.”

When Joe leaned down to kiss David again it was unrushed and gentle. He let his tongue slide over David’s lips, slowly licking his way into his mouth. He ignored the impatient groan from the man underneath him and just kept on kissing him leisurely without any hurry. 

“I hope you have plans beside torturing me into oblivion via kisses,” David said breathlessly, when they finally parted. 

“Maybe,” Joe agreed easily, “I can think of a few other ways to torture you.” And before David could protest he started licking and kissing his way down his body, stopping right above his erection leaking against his stomach. He paused a moment, then very slowly moved his mouth along David’s hard-on, barely touching, before continuing his series of kisses down his upper thighs. 

“God, you really weren’t joking about the torture, were you?”

“Nope,” Joe smirked up at him. “Any regrets already?” he asked, aiming for playfulness but David only sucked in a sharp breath. 

“Years worth of them,” was the soft answer he received. 

“Don’t. We’re here now,” he replied just as softly, leaning back up to press his lips against his lover’s, silencing him. And then continued to kiss him, slowly and sure, and as if he could pour all that he felt for him, all that hidden locked away love of the past years into him. 

“Me too,” was what David whispered against his lips when they parted breathlessly. So he must have gotten it across somehow. “I love you,” he told him just to be sure. 

They continued to kiss and kiss and kiss. Their naked bodies pressed against each other, but the rush and desperation they would have usually felt was absent. They had time. They fell asleep mid kiss, curled around each other.

*

Joe woke up to arms wrapped tightly around him, light snores against his cheek, and a whispered discussion happening right outside his not quite closed bedroom door. Fuck. He quickly untangled himself, got up and threw on the pair of boxer shorts lying at the foot of the bed. They were not his he realized with a shrug. He made out one sock by the door and a tshirt flung somewhere to the left towards the chair in the corner. The rest of their clothes were probably strewn about on the way between the front door and the bedroom.

“Not a burglar, I promise,” he interrupted the animated discussion on whether or not he needed saving his kids were having. “And put that bat down, for Christ’s sake.” He ran a tired hand over his face, not quite sure how to continue the conversation. 

“So, ‘not a burglar’ means it’s the boyfriend then? Or just… you know… someone?” his oldest asked, not quite meeting his eyes on the last part of the question. And suddenly, armed with the knowledge that this was awkward for all of them, the conversation didn’t seem quite that daunting. 

By the time he slipped back into the bedroom, carrying a mug of coffee for David, he was smiling. “Hey,” he murmured when he was met with anxious, blue eyes. He handed over the coffee with a soft, chaste kiss. 

“So, I guess we were found out then?”

“Yeah, I mean,” he found his ears turning hot, “the path of clothing leading to my bedroom was pretty much a dead giveaway. Though my youngest did suspect a robbery gone wrong,” he added with a chuckle. 

“Oh. Right. Umm, what do I… do I sneak out the window or something?”

“What?”

“I mean, what did you… what did you tell them? That I was a girlfriend? Hook up?”

“What? No, that you were the guy I’ve been dating for the past few years and that I was hopeful you’d be staying a while given that you brought luggage with you.”

“Oh. Oh, wow.”

“Was I not supposed to tell them?”

“I don’t know?” David looked mostly panicked. “I didn’t think this entire situation through to be honest. I told my wife that there was someone, but not anything else. We decided to tell the kid that ‘we just didn’t love each other like that anymore’. I didn’t… I mean...” he gestured helplessly between them.

And just like that Joe could feel the words closing in on them again. He just couldn’t do this anymore. 

“David, I can’t do this. Not like that.” It hurt to say the words again. Just when he had thought that they were going to be okay, that he could maybe simply have everything he wanted. He could feel the tears prickling at his eyes. “It’s all or nothing for me at this point. I love you. Always. But I can’t do this whole hiding and lying thing anymore. I just can’t.”

“I’m not asking you to,” David sounded determined.

“What are you asking me?”

“To give me some time.”

“How much?”

David took a deep breath. “Long enough to take a shower, have some breakfast and make a phone call?”

“I don’t want to pressure you,” he sighed.

“You’re not! I want this. I want you! I… I’m pretty sure we already had this conversation last night.”

“I’m pretty sure I can be forgiven for not remembering that situation considering that I thought I’d never see you again and then you showed up at my doorstep in the middle of the night,” he challenged, but his heart was beating fast. 

“You said it’s all or nothing. Well I’m choosing all. No lying, no hiding, none of that bullshit anymore.”

Joe carefully reached across the space between them, taking the still half full coffee mug from David’s hands and kissed him. Slow and open and without hurry. 

Then he pressed him back into the mattress and continued to press kisses all over his body. In random patterns, every bit of skin he could reach. It didn’t take long for David to get hard. So Joe pressed the same open mouthed kisses to his erection before moving along to the next bits of skin. He ignored the way David was trying to arch up into his mouth or the soft tugs on his hair and not so soft shove against his shoulder. 

Once he was sure every bit of available skin had been kissed at least twice he let himself be guided back to David’s cock by the hand fisted into his hair. He slowly let it slide over his tongue, closing his lips and applying just the slightest bit of suction. He didn’t stop until his nose was buried flush against David’s skin, taking his entire length in. Joe swallowed around him before slowly pulling back. 

“If you keep doing that I’m not gonna last more than ten seconds,” David warned above him, so Joe did it again. And again. Until David gave a choked off cry and his salty taste filled his mouth. Joe swallowed and carefully licked him clean. David was panting heavily above him and gave absolutely no complaint when he was rolled onto his stomach and his legs were spread open. He did curse when Joe gave a first tentative lick over his exposed hole. 

“Oh dear god, are you seriously…”

Joe couldn’t help the soft laugh escaping him. Reducing David to incoherency was probably his favorite thing. And this was one surefire way to get there. He didn’t get to do this often, especially not at a slow, leisure pace. But. But he might just in the future. 

By the time he reached for the bottle of lube in his nightstand David was writhing underneath him, panting with pleasure and arousal. His fingers slipped into him easily, stretching him and causing him to move his hips back against him in a quick rhythm. 

Joe halted him with a firm hand on his hips. 

"God Joe, come on. I can't…"

"Oh, you can," he promised before sliding into him, his chest flush against David's back, his face buried into the nape of his neck. 

He didn't last long, but the weak shudder David gave told him neither had he. 

"Fuck, I'm too old for this."

"Coming twice or being fuck through the mattress face down?" Joe couldn't help to ask with a smirk. He slowly pulled out and flopped down next to his lover. He would get up and clean them. In just a moment. As soon as he had his breath back.

*

"I could do this forever."

The words were spoken softly into the skin of his neck. Joe hummed softly in agreement. They were curled up on a lounge chair on his back patio, a warm blanket keeping the cold of the night away. They had been sitting there for a while listening to the chaos that was their kids and dogs inside the house, enjoying the quiet of the night air. 

He was drawing slow circles with his hand into the warmth of David's skin underneath his clothing, pressing soft kisses against his skin. They would sit here a while longer, waiting for the house to quiet down. Then slip inside and curl up in bed together, kiss and touch and probably fall asleep before anything else could happen. 

"Yeah, forever sounds good," he agreed quietly.


End file.
